Vaccinations & Insomnia

And with one final vaccination, I am medically ready to head off to Thailand. Over the past few weeks, I have taken vaccines for Typhoid, Japanese Encephalitis and the Flu and have gotten medication for Malaria, medication that my travel vaccine nurse Amber tells me will make this porcelain sun-poison-prone Fulbrighter's skin even more sensitive to the sun. Hooray. I just pray that I can find some SPF 50 sunscreen somewhere in the bowels of Bangkok, or at least a sunhat large enough to cover my entire body in shade. 

While it's great that I've been able to receive medical care that will ensure that I don't die or suffer permanent brain damage while abroad, I really wish I could take something for the terrible bouts of insomnia I've been experiencing lately. I'm fine during the day, but as soon as I lay down at night to sleep, my mind starts racing with thoughts of Thailand. Everything from logistics to feelings to attempts to visualize the small house I'll be living in to thinking about possible ways to ward off arm-sized lizards from nesting in my luggage; at night, my whole body is exhausted with worry. 

 

Which is to be expected. This is what happens with new beginnings. We try to think ourselves out of the fear of the unknown. We like sense and we like patterns and we like being prepared. At least I do, which is why I've been trying so &%^*&($ hard to make shapes of the darkness. 

In lieu of being able to sleep, there are several activities I've been doing to occupy the hours from 2 AM - 5 AM:

• Watching reruns of Rupaul's Drag Race. I like it for its sparkly entertainment value, but also for the lessons it teaches us about being true to who you are and pursuing your dream regardless of the adversity you might face. 
• Watching films on Netflix that pertain (loosely or literally) to travel: Lost in Translation, Cairo Time, Safety Not Guaranteed, Endless Summer. Good travel films showcase both the euphoria of adventure but also the apprehensiveness/fear/loathing of moving out of one's comfort zone (in regards to place, language, culture, etc.) 
• Listening to "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat. 
• Google image searching "Kalasin Province" and always being a little bit disappointed that there aren't new images.
• Typing "Learn Thai Language" into Google but get so discouraged by the first available link that I go back to Rupaul. 

So as you can see, I keep myself pretty busy, and though I've been trying to squash the insomnia with sleeping pills (or a hearty glass of wine or two), I think it's good to wrestle with this anxiety instead of pushing it away with false encouragement/bravery. Traveling has taught me the importance of acknowledging the things that scare me, but not letting these things overpower my boldness or will to explore. I've learned that one of the first keys to dismantling fear is to name it, to appreciate its presence instead of trying to stuff it into carry-on-ziploc bags or the over-highlighted pages of a travel guide. 

And even as I continue to tango with the doubts and concerns of sleeplessness, I do so knowing that no one expects answers of me. I know, too, that these answers will come eventually: perhaps haphazardly in a flutter of sideways revelations, but will come when I need them most. 

A mere 9 days away from the great shove-off. Wish me luck (and some much needed ZzZzZ's),

Cody 

PS. A little video treat: